Cut the Shit

Yes I really DO live here

If you saw last nights The Apprentice, you should know that you were staring into my backyard.

I live in the heart of Times Square. Every landmark that you saw in that area I can see from my apartment. I have never lived in any place that has allowed me to see what’s going on outside by just turning on the television. When TRL is on, I can tell if it’s raining or snowing or how crowded the streets outside my apartment are just by watching MTV. It’s strange and wonderful all at the same time. (and for the record NOBODY who is ANYBODY eats at Planet Hollywood. Fucking terrible food and WAY overpriced)

As I saw the contestants on The Apprentice running around the TKTS booth and in and out of Planet Hollywood, I kept thinking, I can be there in five minutes. WEIRD.

Luckily for me, my apartment is on the inside portion of a high-rise. There is no noise in my place and no blinding lights. Conversely there’s no sunlight either. It’s kind of like living in a cave, only it’s a cave that smells like Chinese food. Thank you to John’s Shanghai restaurant for cooking soba noodles at 7am.

Kelly and I are making arrangements to move OUT of Times Square on March 1st. Our lease is up and it is time for us to move to an area of NYC that doesn’t cater to tourists. You can’t IMAGINE how annoying it is to have to weave your way through hundreds of people taking pictures. While I am glad that you are spending money in my city, I am a little too busy at this point to stop and organize a group photo op. And also, if one more person stops dead in their tracks to stare at the colorful billboards and tall buildings, thus causing me to collide into their backs, I will probably scream bloody fucking murder.

Yeah, it’s time to move out of Times Square.

It’s been a trip though. A 2 liter bottle of soda costs $3.52. The McDonalds across the street from my pad sells the two cheeseburger meal for $8.50. If you want a turkey sandwich from The Roxy deli, take out a small loan. They sell it for $24. And no, you don’t get fries with that.

I can’t wait for the day when I can walk to the laundry mat without having to barrel over small children and groups of Asians. I can’t wait for the day when I don’t have to hear “Free comedy show tonight at 7 and 11!” Or “Jenna Jamison is showing off her cunt and tits during $50 lap dances at Flashdancer!” Or my favorite “35 t-shirts for $10!” Cuz who DOESN’T need 35 t-shirts that say “I heart NY”?

Kelly and I currently spend $900 EACH on our apartment. Two bedrooms for $1800 and it’s the size of a huge walk in closet. It’s not like we are going to spend less money on our apartment, but we definitely would like some more space and a more tolerable neighborhood. While it was cool to spend a year in the heart of the greatest city in the world, I think she and I are both itching to get the fuck out.

So next time you see a picture of Times Square, stop and think how cool it is that Joe lives there and how fortunate you are for not.

Have great weekends.

I’ll give Rita love from all of you.

Why is it that every time I try to come up with a title to my entry, I always think “The Truth about Cats and Dogs” over and over in my head?

Obviously this entry isn’t going to be anything related to cats and dogs. It’s just so weird that every time I create a title, I literally think “The Truth about Cats and Dogs”. My mind is being fucking wasted on pot and booze and endless hours playing with my cat and dog. Sike. I have hamsters you ballsac.

Let’s just hope this entry goes in a more focused direction from here on in. I have the most gigantic lip zit today. It is red and bulbous and looks as though it contains my new baby inside. The worst part? The lip zit I had on Monday is on the other side of my mouth and is in scar mode. Does anyone want to hire an actor that has lip zit scars all over their mouth? If you do, send me an email. Unfortunately, this amount of beauty can’t last forever.

Drink my cum.

So…this weekend Rita comes to town. I couldn’t be more elated. I haven’t seen her since October and that is way too long. 2 or 3 weekends ago, I actually called her at 10pm on a Friday night and sobbed on her voicemail about how much it sucks to have her so far away. She called me back immediately and we just fell in love all over again. We decided that a trip was absolutely necessary and that leads us to this weekend.

I know we have two whole days together, but it’s never enough time and when she leaves on Sunday, part of my heart will be ripped out and force fed down my own gullet. Which is probably for the best since I’m gonna need that heart in the long run.

As spring looms round the corner, so does Rita’s marriage to her fiancé, Drew. A day that I had hoped would never come. I mean, of course I want her to have a family and get married and of course I ultimately want nothing else for her than happiness…but…but it’s hard and a big change and she’s my best friend and I wish there was a way for she and I to fall in hetero love and get married ourselves. She is the last link I have to the hetero world…at least as far as thinking I may still be straight.

At 26 years old, I’m not only positive I’m gay, I’m relieved. I mean, who wants to go through 20 years of being called a “fag” just to find out at the end of the road, that you really were straight? Talk about a fucked up life and a sad state of affairs. But with Rita, there was always that chance that we would really end up together. We are literal peas in a pod. We are THE perfect balance. If there was no such thing as vaginal/penile sex, we would have the quintessential love relationship. It would be nothing short of wonderfulness.

But instead, I have to accept the fact that not only is Rita a women, she’s not a bodybuilder. And we know how I feel about the bodybuilders.

I am so proud to be able to be in her wedding as a groomsman and to stand by her side throughout this entire process. She will need me the most of everyone and I will want to be needed just as much. If there was a way to give someone your heart, Rita would have had mine long ago.

Okay, I don’t know where all of this has come from, but here it is. And I do feel a little bit more at ease about this whole situation, having written some of it down. Expect more posts like this in the next couple of months.

Ultimately, I am SO excited for her and for the changes this wedding is going to bring into both her and my life. She will eventually have a baby (that I will steal) and she will have a house and a picket fence (which she’ll probably make me paint) and so many shit filled diapers that I will laugh and laugh and laugh. Pausing only to pop my lip zits.

Rita’s plane comes in at 6:05pm on Friday.

I will be waiting there with tears in my eyes.

Lying – not down, through your teeth

As I was falling asleep last night and saying my nightly prayers, I came up with a very interesting idea for an experiment. It occurred to me that I am one HUGE liar. Sometimes I wonder if anything I say is true at all because I am so used to spilling out nonsense from my mouth.

I am not a liar in a bad way. It’s not like I sit around trying to come up with grandiose stories to make myself look cool or to try and get under someone’s skin. Instead, I tell Caucasian lies. You know, little ones. Ones that will either get me out of trouble or spare the feelings of a friend of mine. But I do it often. Pretty much in every conversation I have throughout the day. Maybe it’s because I’m too scared to offend people with what I really think. Or maybe it’s because I’m nervous being myself. I’m pretty sure it’s the former and not the latter, but without an experiment, how would I ever know?

So I have decided…I am going to pick a day (Let’s say Monday, February 2nd) and spend it telling the truth. When asked if I like your skirt, I very well may say “Nah, it’s boring”. When asked if I would like to spend the evening volunteering at a soup kitchen, I will probably respond with “The only soup kitchen I work in is my own”. If you are sucking my dick and I find myself unable to cum, instead of saying “It’s not you, it’s me”, I will say “You’re a bad blow and you’re unattractive. Get your mouth off my dick now.” As you can see I will be honest to a fault.

I think it will be interesting to see how my friends react to my new attitude as well as the general public. It’s said that most people prefer honesty as opposed to bold faced lies. But I have a hard time believing that’s true. Now is the time to test this theory. So beware!

On Tuesday February 3rd, I am going to conduct a similar experiment, but with a slightly different twist. I am going to keep track of how many times I lie throughout the day. I will carry a pen and a piece of paper with me and every time I lie to someone, I will make a slash on the paper. At the end of the day I will tally my results and figure out what kind of a liar I really am. If it’s more than 30 lies, I’m going to shave my nuts and eat it. You know, as punishment. That’s what God would want.

Check out this page on Wednesday, February 4th for the results to both of these experiments.

MTV and ME

As most of you know, I am a huge MTV junkie. I have been known to leave work on a Friday, go home and turn on MTV and leave it on that channel until work begins at 9am on Monday morning. I can pretty much quote every line of each reality series and if you want to know ANYTHING about The Real World or Road Rules, I am your man.

Well, as of the last couple installments of The Real World I have been very disappointed with the casting. All I’ve seen is a bunch of sluts and jugheads who couldn’t carry on an interesting conversation to save their lives. But now…behold San Diego! I am so desperate for a decent Real World season that I am allowing these new “7 Strangers” to live in my house regardless of the amount of drinking and sex that is sure to come with it. Last night’s episode was excellent and I find myself falling in love with these people.

BUT…the coup de resistance is surely The Gauntlet. It is BY FAR my favorite program on television. The show pits the two series against each other in numerous physical and mental competitions. The teams are comprised of past Real World and Road Rules stars. If you watch the series as regularly as I do, you begin to really know these people. You take sides in their petty fights and you cry when some of them get voted off and have to go home.

I have loved this competition for years, but MTV has now done something that has made me jizz bomb.

After “The Gauntlet” competition ended last Monday, I was disappointed to find out that there would be no reunion special. Instead, this Monday, MTV aired a show called “Behind the scenes of the Gauntlet”. They discussed every fight and every hook up that happened throughout the whole season. And talk about candid. I’ve never seen a group of people attack each other so viciously. It was fucking brilliant.

The best part?

The Real World/Road Rules Inferno begins next Monday with some new characters and some old ones from “The Gauntlet”. Tempers are already flared, egos wounded, skin fragile. It’s going to be a bear. And I cannot wait.

If you get the chance, try to tune in to MTV at 10pm on Monday nights. The new season starts this week and you will be SO happy that you joined on. Talk about guilty pleasures.

And kudos to MTV for always broadcasting quality and cutting edge entertainment. They’ve had a few slip ups, but overall, I am dedicated to their station.

Bring on the fights and bring on the fun!

I will make a bucket of popcorn and meet you on the couch.

OUCH! My Skin Done Hurt

Yesterday after work I went to the dermatologist to get a few things checked out. I was not pleased with the result of the visit. First off, she didn’t get to my appointment until 45 minutes after it was scheduled. Then she rushed me through the whole visit and I didn’t get a chance to ask her some of the questions I wanted to ask. It was very frustrating. Other than that, this is what I have been diagnosed with:

Seborrheic Dermatitis

Seborrheic dermatitis is a common skin disorder that can be easily treated. This condition is a red, scaly, itchy rash most commonly seen on the scalp, sides of the nose, eyebrows, eyelids, skin behind the ears, and middle of the chest. Other areas, such as the navel (belly button), buttocks, skin folds under the arms, axillary regions, breasts, and groin, may also be involved.

This is exactly what I have. Not including the chest, breasts, or buttocks. But I do have it on my “groin” and it makes me embarracksed. With the cream I have been using, it has kept it under control, but there is no cure.

Psoriasis

Psoriasis (sore-I-ah-sis) is a common immune-mediated chronic skin disease that comes in different forms and varying levels of severity. Most researchers now conclude that it is related to the immune system (psoriasis is often called an "immune-mediated" disorder).

It is not contagious. In general, it is a condition that is frequently found on the knees, elbows, scalp, hands, feet or lower back. Many treatments are available to help manage its symptoms. More than 4.5 million adults in the United States have it.

Between 10 percent and 30 percent of people with psoriasis also develop a related form of arthritis. FUCKING GREAT.

I was given steroid cream to get it under control. I have little spots of it on my elbows, my knees, and my forearms. You can barely see it at this point, but I notice it and it makes me sad.

My doctor gave me 3 new prescriptions to try out. I really hope that they are effective in controlling this shit. It makes me nervous that some day I’m going to be covered in scaly ugliness. My friend Rita used to know of this girl who had psoriasis all over her whole body. She had to bathe in like Epsom salts or something to ease the pain. Can this NOT happen to me please?

Lastly, I told the doctor that my acne was increasing due to the medicine for the Seborrheic Dermatitis. She told me that this is a side effect of the cream. Well, that is just not acceptable. So instead of having scaly, itchy skin, I get to have a 16 year old’s acne angst? She gave me a new cream to try and told me that it is experimental. Well, last night when I put it on my face, Paul told me that I smelled like a huge matchstick. Then the cream dried and turned my eyebrows white and best part…they started to fall out. Guess I won’t be using that cream again unless I want to have a head with no hair on it at all.

ERG!

In case you are dealing with the same type of skin problems, here is what I have been given to treat it. Check it out and talk to your doctor as soon as you can.

For the Dermatitis:

“Clenia” - is an antibiotic and drying agent combination used to treat acne and other skin conditions.

And

“Desonide” - is a corticosteroid used to reduce itching, redness, and swelling associated with many skin conditions

For Psoriasis:

“Clobex” is a corticosteroid used to reduce itching, redness, and swelling associated with many skin conditions.

If you have any further questions, let me know.

You really don’t want to piss me off…

I have been told that I come across as a very nice person. However, those people that know me well know that I am not nearly as sweet and kind as I may seem on the outside. I tend to be very manipulative, most especially if you wrong me in some way. But then when you try to figure out my manipulativeness, I look at you and wonder why you could possibly be attacking ME of all people.

Here are some prime examples:

I cannot STAND it when people cut me off in line for the subway. I also can’t stand it when I am trying to scramble up a set of stairs and someone comes from out of nowhere and pushes me out of the way so that they can get up them first. This type of shit happens to me all the time. So, one day last week, this girl not only cut me off on the way out of the subway, but she did it again going up the stairs. Anger rose in my gut and I did my best to get away from her before I punched her in the back. On my way down another set of stairs, this girl showed up AGAIN and cut me off. I couldn’t believe it. And what I couldn’t believe even more is that without thinking about it, I deliberately kicked her foot and tripped her. She stumbled at least 5 feet and looked back at me. With the crowd surging behind me, I looked at her as though I had NO idea who could have tripped her. But deep down I thought, you’re just lucky you didn’t fall DOWN the stairs asshole.

If I go to buy a pair of pants, shoes, gloves, dildos, whatever, it is in your best interest to be polite to me. I don’t expect much and I don’t need you to blow me. I just need a smile and maybe a “thank you”. If you treat me like shit and then hand me back the wrong change, I am going to take that money and laugh at you as you get fired for that missing $20.

If you are a student that takes part in my organization and you talk to me every day like my college education means nothing in comparison to your Ivy League education, I hate you. I will also take every request you have and throw it in the garbage. When I am confronted on the missing paperwork, I will stand in front of you AND my boss and act like I have never seen you in my life. I mean, learn how to be respectful or understand that it will take you 12 times as long to get the paperwork you need processed.

If I find out that you have said something bad about me to one of my friends or boyfriend, I will spend weeks coming up with a way to get you back. For example, were you wondering where that missing Metrocard went? Yeah, I saw you drop it on the floor and I stole it and I threw it away. Sorry that its 3am and you now have no way to get home.

Did you call my office and ask for someone that doesn’t work here? When I told you that you had the wrong number, did you huff and puff and hang up on me? You see…I don’t like that very much and I have caller ID. Don’t be surprised if I call you back periodically throughout the day using my blocked number and either blow a whistle in your ear or slam the phone down as soon as you answer. It really does pay to be polite.

It’s not that I am a jerk to everyone. In actuality, I tend to be a fairly patient person. I will not immediately hurt you. But if you come at me over and over or if you catch me on the wrong day, beware. I can be quite a psycho with no compassion. I have left many in my wake.

All Work and No Play makes Joe a Straight Boy

Work has taken over my life this week.

I have had so much to do. I even stayed a little late one day (ok 15 minutes), but still. Although I have been busting my ass, I am still so behind and have even debated bringing some of the shit home. Don't worry, I've thought better against it. I mean, it's not like I make THAT kind of money.

Saw 42nd Street last night. Quite an experience. Think I enjoyed seeing Kambri Crews more though. She is so sophicsticated and beautiful. I always get a little nervous when I see her cuz she comes across as totally together. When I hugged her, I accidentally got a piece of her hair caught in my mouth and I, unfortuantely, ripped it out with brute force. I swear I saw her wince and then I said "Oh, I'm sorry". But I said it quietly as I'm not sure if the wince I saw was because I ripped her hair out or because she saw the huge zit on my forehead. Either way...

Had a wonderful evening with Paul. We giggled and pooped all night. It was great. Ate some subway, watched some television and spent the night tossing and turning. FUCK YOU NICOTINE PATCH.

Today I am off to a wine tasting at Paul's job. First time I've gone with him. Afterwards we will probably get more drinks or dinner or see a movie. Tomorrow I am hanging out with my lesbians and getting new clothes. I am praying for a fun evening, but you never know these days...

Super weekends to all!

Things I Must Admit

Since the early January wedding of Miss Britney Spears, I have found myself falling head over heels in love with Jason Allen Alexander. You know, her ex-husband. I don’t know him personally and I don’t think that he and I have much in common, but the feeling I get in my stomach when I see a picture of him is one of a kind. I think that he is the most beautiful man I have ever seen. In particular, I love his shoulders, his height, and his adorable face; which is new for me as I have never been attracted to someone because of their face. I spent a good chunk of my morning desperately trying to find a picture of him with his shirt off. I have seen glimpses in numerous magazines, but nothing I can really take home and make love to. If you are reading this Jason, please understand that I am falling in love with you and fast. Valentimes Day is just around the corner. Be mine?

Hillary Duff has a new song that I just love. I have to say that I was a fan of “So Yesterday” and NOT AT ALL a fan of that “do a crazy dance” shit. But her new one…maybe it’s called “Come Clean”, I’m not sure. What I am sure about is that “when the rains fall down…” I smile so big and sing along. Clearly I am in fourth grade, with braces and pigtails. Does anyone have a pudding I can trade an apple for at lunch?

I masturbate at work. A LOT. In fact, twice yesterday.

I don’t like chocolate or ice cream. I just don’t. I used to be obsessed which is why I was Martha Dumptruck, but now the idea of it makes me cringe. What kind of American am I anyway? Willy Wonka would have slapped me right across my dumb face.

I always look at my poop when I am done shitting. Sometimes I truly marvel at the outcome and am impressed with my creative design. For example, yesterday I took a shit that had a coil that could have been stretched for at least 4 feet. No breaks. If there was a Trading Spaces for poops, I would be in high demand. Surely.

I would rather date a 50 year old man than an 18 year old boy. Hands down.

When I was 16 or so, I thought that Gaston (from Disney’s Beauty and the Beast) was the most beautiful cartoon I had ever seen. Multiple orgasms on that one. And I’m not even embarrassed by it. Go figger.

I won my 5th grade spelling bee by beating out 200 or so other kids. I WON. My parents rewarded me with The Babysitter’s Club #9 The Ghost at Dawn’s House. I then moved on to the 5th-8th grade spelling bee and came in 18th. I spelled “dessert” as “desert” and cried when they told me to leave the stage.

When I initially won the first spelling bee, they put a picture of me outside one of the administrative offices in the school. One day I was walking by the picture and heard a girl say “Ewe. That kid is such a dork. I hate him.” I was humiliated and ran away.

It’s VERY difficult for me to watch the Academy Awards and the Golden Globes. Most times I skip it and read the reviews. Deep down I truly believe I should be at those ceremonies and watching other people get their awards encompasses me in jealousy and sadness.

I was so afraid to take a shit in a public bathroom during my first week of college that I went for 8 days without one. I drove home that next weekend and sat on the toilet for two full days. I was impressed with my control, but immediately had to figure out a way to poop at school. Turns out, no one uses the bathroom at 4:30am.

Well, on that note, I am off.

Probably to jerk off to Johnny Bravo or some shit.

7 days in 24 Hours

Yesterday was an incredibly long, yet wonderfully spontaneous kind of day.

It began with me working for 8 hours at my job. I then dropped off my laundry, ate a bologna sammich and went to a 2 hour rehearsal. I must say that I am very pleased with the progress we are making for the AIDS Benefit, planned for February. We worked on our scenes, Mariah sang her songs and we were out of there and home by 9pm.

Since I had decided to stay at Paul’s apartment, Mariah and I shared a cab. On the way there, we decided that we wanted to go for a drink at the Bowery bar, one of NYC’s hot gay spots on a Tuesday night. Luckily Paul lives right around the corner so we only froze our tits off for about 8 minutes on the trek there.

Once inside, Mariah had a Cape Codder and I had a vodka tonic. We sat at a booth in an empty room and talked for about an hour; during which time we ordered 2 more drinks each. Eventually the bladder called and asked if we would release a stream of piss in his honor. We obliged. As Mariah was in the ladies room, this guy walks up to me and we have the following conversation:

Scary Man: “My name is Jonathan. What’s yours?”
Me: “Joe”
Scary Man: “Nice to meet you Joe. Do you party?”
Me: “Yes and no.”
Scary Man: “Well my friend Scary Lady and I have a bag of coke and would love for you to join us in the back room.”
Me: “You know, my friend is in the bathroom, so let me ask her and I will get back to you.”
Scary Man: “It’s good shit. Come and join us.”
Me: “Give me a couple minutes to talk to my friend.”
Scarey Man: “Fine.”

Mariah exited the bathroom and I immediately told her what happened. We both decided that doing coke with Scary Man and Scary Lady was in no way the kind of evening we wanted to have. As we are laughing it off, the Scaries approach again.

Scary Man: “Hey you.” (apparently he didn’t remember my name) “Come on. Bring your friend and let’s party.”
Me: “Mariah, this is Jonathan. Jonathan, this is Mariah.”
Scary Man: “Hi Mariah. Do you party?” (ENOUGH with the “party” shit already)
Me: “Actually, we are going to pass tonight. It’s just not the---oh…ok…see you later.”
Without warning, Scary Man walks away from me and takes Scary Lady with him.
----End Scene----

Mariah and I decided to stand by the front of the bar and wait for Paul to join us. Now, without sounding like a total asshole, I must say that the guys were all over my ass. (I just know I am going to get a face full of acid for talking like that, but such is life…) It got so bad at one point that I asked Mariah if she was ready to leave. She was ready, so we called Paul and told him to meet us at home.

On the way to his apartment, she and I shared a cigarette and it was the best tasting moment of my evening. Upon arrival at Paul and Mariah’s apartment, we ran into Paul coming down the stairs. He was in an incredibly pissy mood. We tried to be as positive as we could and told him that we would go back to the Bowery Bar if he was so inclined. Unfortunately, he was so inclined.

Mariah, Paul and I then went BACK to the Bowery bar. At the entrance, we saw Jonathan (Scary Man) and his friend, Scary Lady, being escorted out of the bar by the bouncers. Obviously their coke wasn’t THAT good. We then sat and had dinner.
Paul was acting like a complete dickhead and eventually I exploded. I yelled at him for a good 10 minutes while we were eating our Shrimp Poppers. Mariah just sat there shaking her head. (She knew Paul was in for it after the way he acted) Eventually I let it all go and we finished our dinner.

4 drinks later, we trudged BACK home to the apartment, stopping only for McDonald’s. As though we hadn’t eaten enough already. When we got inside, we all collapsed and ate our burgers while lamenting the fact that it was 3am.

We wiped our faces and threw ourselves in bed.

Paul tried to snuggle. I told him to do as I did at the bar and “let it go”. I was not about to be snuggled after him ruining my evening.

It just goes to show that when you try to have 7 days in 24 hours, it’s just too much.

Hey you…

Madonna…shhhh. You stupid.

Michael Jackson…please. Just, please. Can you stop now?

JC Chazes…Some girls dance with women, but you are not one of them.

Paris Hilton…I don’t care what people say, you ARE a supermodel.

Britney Spears…Time for another break? You look really tired. How bout a napski?

Mayor Bloomberg…For somebody so filthy rich, you talk like you have a mouth full of testicles.

Pizza…mmmm…I could never stop loving you.

Joe Rogan…if it weren’t for your body, you would have nothing positive to offer to society.

Ryan Seacrest…the Next Dick Clark? Boo WAAAAAH HAHAHAHAHAHA! nah.

Christina Aguilera…I don’t give a shit that you’re dirty. Bitch, you can SING.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge…congrats to Road Rules on the win! You deserved it this time around. Fer sho!

American Idol…I hope something really cruel and sad happens to you. Fucking go away already. You deserve to be punched in your cunt.

Justin Timberlake…sexy motherfucker. Stop being so damn sexy. Sexy + So Sexy = Sexy You.

Ashton Kutcher…Butterfly Effect? Are you a real actor now? I don’t want you to be, k?

Jason Maraz…Oh Razzy. You make-a me swoon. Sing for me baby.

Nick Lachey…yum.

Jessica Simpson…dum.

Ming Na…when you went back to China, no one missed you. Can you stay there?

Da Band…twat happen? Did you all go back to popping off your gats and dealing the druggles? Puffy can only bring you so far.

J-Lo…are you still eating your boogers? Good protein…or so I here.

Beyonce…sexy. And you don’t eat boogers.

Nell Carter…I still miss you.

Sean Paul…let’s gimme the lie a bot a bota bot.

Hillary Duff…stop doing that crazy dance.

Nick & Aaron Carter…HORK. Hut…hut…hut…HORK!

Jennifer Love Hewitt…You finally took the hint and went to hell like I asked.

Martha Stewart…I genuinely feel bad for you. Your life is poop now, but also very domesticated.

Whoopi…yes, you ARE a big loser.

Joe CuttheShit…I don’t know how to say this, but you are SO cute! Can I have your number?

The Dream that Shook My World

Last night I had a dream that really shook me up. You see, what happened was…I was hanging out with my friend Rita. Mariah was there too and the three of us were in Paul’s apartment watching television. I remember us sitting on the orange sectional couch and discussing the fact that we couldn’t find anything good to watch.

I looked at Rita to make sure she was feeling okay. It was at that point that I had a dream blip…you know, it’s a moment where you knew something, but when you see it, you are reminded about it and shocked all over again. In this case, it was the fact that Rita was 9 months pregnant. When I noticed her protruding stomach, she looked at me and said “Joe, it’s time”. I asked her where her fiancé (Drew) was and she said “He can’t make it. I need you to help me.”

I don’t know what happened after that. I think Rita gave birth in the bathroom or something, cuz the next thing I know, Rita is holding her baby and Mariah and I are once again arguing over the fact that there is nothing good on television. Eventually Rita gets tired of holding the baby and puts him (that’s right, it was a boy!) in a pet carrier. She puts him inside and locks him in via the little door in front.

Side note…the baby looked EXACTLY like her fiancé, Drew.

We sit and watch television again, making some sort of conversation. I remember having the feeling of love for Rita as I watched her watch her baby. I also remember being really sad that Drew couldn’t be there with Rita and their baby. She looked amazing, especially for just pushing a watermelon out of her vagina in the bathroom.

After this nostalgia feeling wore off, I looked back at the baby and saw that the top of the pet carrier had been removed. And the baby was doing the creepiest thing ever! He was lying with his head propped up on one hand. He looked at me right in the eyes and said “Pooey Doo”. NO JOKE. “Pooey Doo”. I start screaming “Rita, the baby said his first word! “Pooey Doo! Pooey Doo!” The baby winked at me and we all started to laugh. I remember having the specific thought of “This baby is a super genius for saying his first word on the day he was born”.

I picked him up and held him for awhile with Rita on one side and Mariah on the other. They were coo cooing and I had a moment of full completeness.

When I woke up, I was actually sad that Rita doesn’t have a baby yet. But now that it’s 12:30pm and I have had some time to clear my head, I figure it’s best that she doesn’t get married in May with a huge stomach sticking through her beautiful dress.

I love you Rita. And I am so excited about the changes that this year will bring for you.

Mostly, I’m excited to be able to share it all with you.

A Moment of Peace

As night crept in, snow began to fall
Lightly fluttering to the cold ground below
Moods were high, wine being passed from mouth to mouth,
Laughter erupting, cackles from above
The covered earth.

Memories created, lasagna baking in the oven
Fresh greens to remind us of Spring
Warmth, happiness, security
A time when beauty grows
Within yourself.

A hug from a friend, a kind word shared
The noble trust of years with you by my side.
Your smile, your gaze, your sensitivity to my language
Creating a wall that will separate your heart from your brain
Allow yourself to trust in me the same.

The television glows with comedic anger
As we move from room to room
Wondering if this moment will turn romantic
Awaiting the time when we will be together
As one.

Standing by the window, we marvel at the blanket
Of life, of time slipping through our fingers
Caught in the breeze, held still by the streetlight
Fluttering, for a brief moment
Reminding us why stand in unity.

An arm across a shoulder, cherished silence
Intertwined with love,
A signal of our future, the truth that brought us
Into the lives of the one
That we call our own.

Winter will move forward, the snow will melt away
But our strength, confidence in the choice we have made
Will stay with us through the seasons
Encouraging our happiness, blossoming with the new life
That will begin soon.

Welcome to my new friend Randyboy!

He is my new bud.

Get to know him and drop him some comment love!

Single People VS. NON-Single People

This post should in no way reflect on anyone that is in my personal life. It just so happens that I know quite a few single ladies and I wouldn’t want them to feel as though any of this is about them directly. It’s not. This is all just something I’ve been thinking about as of late.

The other night I was sitting around and thinking why it is that I so often make Paul and my relationship sound like more of a hassle than it really is. Cuz the truth of the matter is that it’s not a hassle at all. It’s a fun, obnoxious, wild, and often dramatic experience. Sure, there are moments when I want to slap his little face, but there are moments when I want to slap my best friend’s faces as well. Basically I just want to slap faces. You understand.

Then it came to me.

I always thought that I was making my relationship sound awful because it really was. When the truth of the matter is, I don’t ever talk about how wonderful things are; I talk about how Paul did something fucked up or how he didn’t keep his word, etc. Now I have realized that the reason why I make my relationship out to be so negative is because that’s what I think other people want to hear. Those who are not in a relationship tend to give me break-up advice at every corner. Those who are not in a relationship tend to encourage me to drop it and be single. “It’s a freedom like you will never know!” As though I didn’t spend 21 years living single. A la Queen Latifah and Kim Coles.

This theory was made very clear to me during a conversation that I had last night with my dear friend Karina. When telling her about my anniversary dinner and the gift that Paul gave me, I noticed a scowl creep over her face. Instead of saying how happy she was for me or how I am so blessed to have someone in my life that loves me as much as Paul, she said very haughtily “Are you going to move in with him now or what?” It was just about the nicest thing she could think of to say to me.

I find that people who are in relationships tend to give advice like “Have you thought about how HE feels in the situation?” or “Give it time and be patient. He will come around.” Those who are single tend to be the ones that say “You deserve so much better.” or “I would never tolerate something like that in my relationship.” It’s such an interesting phenomenon. As though these type of single people have either never been in a relationship or have been out of one for so long that they can’t even remember what it’s like.

I find that the girls that surround me in my personal life are very supportive of my decisions and my relationship. They love me deeply and because of that, they give me genuine support and advice based on the information I supply. But this is rare and I am lucky for that. As per my conversation with Karina, it is apparent that there is no way for her to be supportive when she is so lonely in her own life. Misery seeks company after all.

I wonder what would happen if Paul and I were to break up. Would my mind and heart turn a complete 180? Would I automatically become the kind of guy that would try to make everyone as lonely as myself? In the past, I don’t remember being the guy that wanted everyone to be single along with me. In fact, I think I preferred being the only single guy in a bunch of committeds. In this case, you are the one that everyone caters to; the one that everyone wants to take out and fix up. It can be hecka fun.

I feel genuinely frustrated for those single people that date consistently and want nothing more than to fall in love, yet have a devil of a time doing it. If this type of person is able to keep a positive outlook and still remain supportive of their committed friends, they will be rewarded ten-fold. It takes quite a special person to keep up the momentum of dating while also allowing those around them to be in love and be happy. I know a few of these people and it warms my heart to be a part of their lives.

But for those of you that are negative and bitter and make a concerted effort to encourage others to join you in your land of misery…shame on you. We have all been there and it is quite possible that we will be there again. Help us be happy if you want the same in return. When I ask you for advice on my love life, the first words out of your mouth should not be “Are you sure you still want to be with him?”

I don’t know. It’s just something that’s been on my mind lately.

Updates and Lil' Tidbits

Back in action!

1) Yesterday was my first doctor's appointment in the last 8 years. I mean, I've BEEN to the doctor since then, but I now have a real doctor in the city that's all my own. It feels GREAT to be an adult for once. The check up went perfectly. He said that I am in excellent health. The only bad thing he noticed was that I have a slight tremor (I was unable to touch my nose with my eyes closed). He said that it may be caused by my quitting smoking or by not eating breakfast yesterday morning. Either way, he's going to monitor it over the next couple of months to make sure it's not something serious. BTW, I can touch my nose with my eyes closed now that I'm out of the office. Figures.

2) My anniversary with Paul was wonderful! His gift to me was perfect. He bought us two handmade silver rings from a jewelry designer (Jill Platner) in the city. They are beautiful rings. On the inside of mine it says "APG loves JHC, 1/9/2004" and his says "JHC loves APG, 1/9/2004". We are both wearing them on the middle finger of our right hand. I was very moved by the gift. After this, Paul took us out to dinner at Lupa's and we had a great dinner. The wine was SO good and the food, although it was gourmet style and looked foo fooish, was excellent. The whole night was memorable.

3) I didn't end up doing the five senses gift. I am running VERY low on money and was unable to buy him a gift this year. Instead I remodeled his bedroom. I decorated it, organized it, and whipped it into shape. He was VERY excited and happy with the gift and I saved me some extra pennies, which I am in desperate need of.

4) For Mariah's Christmas gift, I overhauled her bedroom too. I wish you could see it. In the 4 years I have been friends with her, Mariah has never had an organized, clean bedroom. Now she does. I told her that I would be giving weekly inspections to make sure it stays that way. And I'm serious.

5) On Friday night we went out to Splash Bar. I think everyone had a blast. I know I did. BUT, there was one rough moment. There were these three middle aged queens hanging out in the bathroom at the same time we were and they would not leave Mariah alone. I pulled her away from them and they got pissy. I then asked them to leave us alone as we didn't want to hang out with them. This one guy got really angry and called me "bald", which I didn't like very much. I then told him that he was an "ugly 50 year old man that is obviously spending his night alone". He didn't like that very much and grabbed my shoulder. Now, I do NOT like when people put their hands on me and I tend to turn into a huge psycho. I started telling him to "remove his fucking hands immediately" and he kept pushing me and rubbing my head. Eventually the bouncer came over and asked me if this loser was bothering me. I said yes and proceeded to walk with the bouncer to the entrance. Fuck head got BOUNCED right out the bar. I felt so powerful and dared all of my friends to mess with me.

6) My brother is being nominated for a Bronze Star! Read up on it to find out more. My family couldn't be more proud.

7) I saw Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King last night. I must say, this trilogy is by far my most favorite trilogy ever. I could watch it over and over and over. The last installment is surely Oscar worthy and will prove that point once the Academy Awards roll around. I won't give anything away, but dammit, it is rare to see a movie of such caliber. Thank you Peter Jackson for directing this masterpiece.

8) Ari informed me that there is a new remake of Dawn of the Dead coming. She showed me the trailer while we were at work on Friday and I still can't get it out of my head. FUCKING YAY!

9) I had one cigarette on Friday night. I caved and had it all by myself in my bedroom. I haven't had a single drag since and am still quitting the smokes, but I did cave once and thought I should be honest about it. Unfortunately, the Nicotine patch is giving me a horrible case of insomnia. I have to try removing it before bed tonight to see if that helps. I'm barely surviving on 6 hours of sleep for the last 3 days.

That should be it.

I have rehearsal tonight. We found a space for our February AIDS benefit. I am really excited that this is moving forward. I have to memorize another script during my lunch break today and I should be ready to go.

Now, if only I could get myself an agent and make some money doing this acting thing. That's my next goal and it couldn't come sooner.

Happy Stupid Tuesday!

It’s FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDAY!

PHEW! I actually survived this full work week. When Monday began, I wasn’t sure that was a possibility. With all of the holidays lately, I had gotten really used to sitting on my ass all day, watching tv, jerking off, eating boxes and boxes of donuts. Oh wait…that’s what I did LAST night.

Tonight I am off to Splash bar. I haven’t been there in QUITE a long time. The lezzies in my life are feeling guilty, so they have offered to go out to a bar that would be of my liking for once. I thought it to be a nice gesture. Gesture. Gesticulation. Ation. Time for a new paragraph.

Last night I was able to coerce Little Poop into being held for awhile. Now he is totally addicted to the man love I have to offer. Every time I put him back in his cage, he would either squeak to be picked back up or would sit next to the glass, with our heads looking lovingly at each other. I think Colby (who is the definitive leader of the group) didn’t like all the attention that Little Poop was getting because at one point, he attacked the Little Poops and made him cry. I was NOT happy. If that happens again, Colby is going to be chilling out at Petland. He will NOT hurt my poopsie.

So…Splash it is! This bar is usually filled with many a muscleman, so tonight I must look good and be ready to work my charms. It’s always nice to have a big man to kiss and talk to for a while. Then tomorrow night is my anniversary celebration with Paul! He was a raging prick about it this morning, but my mood is too good to ruin. 4 years and he is still cunty. But that seems to be the way I like em. Don’t treat me like gold, or I will surely show you the door. A la the guy that has been stalking me since Thanksgiving.

Ari got me 4 new DVD’s for Christmas! The selection is as follows: The Shining, GO, National Lampoon’s Vacation, 28 Days Later. WOO HOO! I couldn’t BE more thrilled. I have so much to watch and I am proud to call these movies my own. My DVD collection is coming along just nicely. Thank you Ari! Great gift!

This is my 6th day without a cigarette. And wouldn’t you know it? I forgot to put the patch on this morning. I didn’t even realize until I got to the subway and then panic mode hit in. Well, now I HAVE to smoke today. I can’t get through 4 hours or work with no patch and no cigarette. I was about ready to run back to my apartment or to hit the closest CVS for a pack when I realized that this is NOT a crisis. I only work until 2pm today and I have enough confidence in myself that I can make it without either. I am a quitter and I love it!

The biggest challenge is going to come tonight when I get wasted for the first time since I quit. Definitely going to be hard, but I am ready for it. I wonder if I’ll feel better tomorrow when I wake up, having not smoked 2 packs of cigs. Twill be interesting.

Want to hear something sad?

Yesterday, my brother called me at work, but I was on my lunch break, so we didn’t get a chance to talk. Then he called my mother who was on a business trip, so he couldn’t talk to her either. After that he called my dad, who was away from his desk, and his girlfriend, who was at the gym. 4 phone calls from Baghdad and everyone was too busy to talk to him. Insert overtly sad music. Poor kid. Just come home now please.

Well, that’s it. Leaving work soon to have an anniversary lunch with my boy and then off to see my theatre professor from college. Random day, but totally ready for it.

Here comes the weekend!

Breathe it in as deeply as possible.

Ouch.

It hurts to type today.

Would you like to know why?

Well, yesterday, I left work to go buy myself some new children. You know, hamster children. I had previously decided that I would be purchasing 3 or 4 dwarf hamsters to inhabit the cage that dear departed Kimberly left behind. I went over to Petland Discounts and picked up 3 beautiful new babies. Two of them are twins – fluffy and grey, and from what I can tell, the supermodels of the hamster world. The third one looks like a tiny black cotton ball. When he walks, he looks like he is moving on tiny wheels.

Anyway…I named the twins “Colby” and “Morgan”. I named the little puffball “Paul”, but his nickname is “Little Poops”. I am in serious LOVE with Little Poops. He is so fucking cute that every time he came out from his nest I jumped up from my bed and pressed my big scary face up against the wall of the aquarium so that I could get a closer look at him. He is so adorable that I want to put him in my vagina and pretend as though I birthed him myself. I LOVE him. It almost makes me cry I love him so much.

But then there is Colby and Morgan. These two fucking bitches are the most vicious animals I have ever come across. The only time they didn’t draw blood from my fingers is when I was feeding them some lettuce. I figured that they were just getting acquainted with their new environment, so I left them alone for most of the night. This morning I woke up to find that their water bottle (which I have added an extension to, cuz the new babies are too small to reach it) was lying on the ground. I reached my hand in to readjust the bottle, when out of nowhere, Colby comes charging out of the nest and chomps right on my pinky. I jerked my hand up just in time to see a NEW welt being formed. I wasn’t ANYWHERE NEAR him and he attacked me.

I was furious.

I pulled my hand out and noticed that Colby was staring me down through the glass. His eyes are beady and blood thirsty. Now, I have 4 bites on my hand and one substantial bruise on my knuckle. Little FUCKERS. My old hamsters never did that. If they nipped, they never broke the skin. These new little bastards have broken the skin by just LOOKING at my hand. I don’t like them one bit.

But then there’s Little Poop who just rolls (remember, he is on wheels) around the cage being as adorable as he possibly can. Unfortunately, Colby and Morgan won’t let me anywhere near him. I am glad that they aren’t fighting, but I am angry that they think that they are the boss. They better chill the fuck out or they are going to find themselves fending for their lives in the NYC subway system.

Lastly, as I have said, little Jimbo is doing very well. He is healed up and acting like a brand new hamster. He and I have this new game. When I want him to come out of his little bed and play with me, I ring a bell and he peeks his head out of his hole. If he’s in the mood to be held or play, he will stretch his weary bones and come out. If he’s not he will simply put his head back in his house. Sometimes I want him to be held even when he’s not in the mood. I’ll stick my finger inside his house and he will gently nudge it out with his nose. I will keep putting my finger in there and he will nudge and nudge until I get the point. It’s a very loving relationship and nothing like what I have with Colby and Morgan.

In other news, thanks to my dear friend Jules, I have figured out what to give Paul for his anniversary present. I will be doing a “Five Senses” themed gift. INGENIOUS! And I am embarrassed that I couldn’t think of anything that clever.

Here’s what I came up with so far:

Sight: A book – probably an Augusten Burroughs or David Sedaris.
Sound: A CD that I will burn for him myself on my new burner!
Taste: My cum. Well, my cum and ALSO a gift certificate to Starbucks.
Touch: Colby and Morgan. He will LOVE the way they make his hands feel.
Smell: A Q-tip that has been swabbed in my belly button.

Okay, so obviously I have a bit of tweaking to do on this gift. But I love the idea.

I’m also thinking that I am going to take him to see a gay play in the city. There is tons of gay theatre here and he and I have yet to partake in any of it. Afterwards, he will take us out to a very nice dinner and we will spend the rest of the evening cuddling and in love. It would be nice if some sex was thrown in, but it’s been months since that has happened, so not counting on it. I’ll probably just hook up with someone else on Friday night to get it out of my system.

You understand. It’s how EVERYONE spends their 4 year anniversary with their boyfriend.

And that is all she wrote.

Murder She Wrote.

It is Wednesday and I must say that this week has flown by so far. I appreciate that. Thank you Monday and Tuesday. You are the sweetest.

So, I’m on my fourth day of no smoking and I must say that I am having quite an easy time with it so far. I always knew that when I was ready it would be something that I would WANT to do and not just something I thought I should do. I have some rough moments, but overall, I am in a very good mood. I feel healthy, I feel alive, and I feel like I never want to go back to being the person that I was, just last week. Quitting the cigarettes is something that changes your life in dramatic ways. You feel like a completely different person. It’s almost like I decided to wear clothes, when I was morally opposed to it in the past. Does that make any sense? Fuck no, but I still like that I quit smoking!

I had a horrible dream last night that resulted in me punching my mother in the face. It was very upsetting. When I spoke to my mom this morning and told her of the dream, she said “Joe, don’t punch your mother. That hurts my feelings.” MOM! It hurts my feelings too! Don’t get me all riled up or you’re gonna get another punch. The dream sucked and I came in to work an hour late because of it. Or maybe because I wanted to lie in my comfortable bed for an extra half an hour. Get off my back will ya?!?!

This Friday is mine and Paul’s 4 year anniversary. He has yet to arrange for the day off from work. Yeah…don’t get me started on THAT one. In any case, I haven’t come up with a gift idea yet. Anyone have any suggestions? I don’t have much money and I have about exhausted the creative outlet. One year I sang “You are my Sunshine” and gave him clothes. Another year I wrote him a letter. Another year I wrote him a poem and gave him a framed picture of the two of us. So you see…I think the last thing he wants is for me to perform a monologue or make decoupage. OMG. What about decoupage?! That could be fun AND adorable. Ok, stoppit Joe. Buy him a ham and be done with it.

Our rehearsal went extremely well for me last night. My monologue is coming along nicely and I am excited about the decisions that were made regarding the February AIDS benefit. Afterwards, Angie, Kelly and I went for a couple of drinks and I was able to make it home for the last half of the new Real World. At first glance I thought I was going to hate it again (the last few seasons have REALLY tried my patience with Bunim/Murray Productions). But by the end of the episode, I decided that I love it. Of course the manimal Brad is extremely hot to me. But I must say that he is the ugliest hunk I have ever seen. His eyes are that of Sylvester Stallone and they look wildly inappropriate for his face. And he’s a meathead. And I want to give him head. I also decided that I love the girl that’s punk rock-ish, although why did the casting directors ruin her life by sticking her in that house. I don’t think she will fit in well. And lastly, my favorite character is the girl who has jinormous boobies, but is built like a muscleman. She seems hella cool.

Baright.

I gotta go drain the lizard. Ok, since when do I use THAT phrase? Eh…I gotta go drain my cock.
That’s the Joe we know and want to fuck.

Enjoy the hump day!

Over the last couple of years, I have been very lax about making New Year’s resolutions. This year I decided that it was imperative that I make a few and really try to stick with them. However, instead of forcing myself to come up with them and start on New Year’s Eve, I decided to wait until a few days afterwards, so as not to put any unnecessary pressure upon myself. As I said, I am serious about sticking to my resolutions.

So…without further adieu…adoo…ragu…I give you my 2004 New Year’s Resolutions!

*Quit smoking. By all means, cut the shit and stop putting those filthy bitches in your mouth Joe! I am three days in and more vehement about quitting than I was 3 days ago.

*Eat healthier. Pizza should be eaten no more than twice a week and there must be a serious cut down on candy. My teeth and my loves (love handles) need the break.

*Complete 3 days of exercise per week. That means running or calisthenics or weight training. Jumping out of a plane counts and so does taking a really good shit. Ok, shits don’t count, but if I’m having a really hard week…yeah, shits don’t count.

*Put $25 a week into my savings account. God knows where I will get that extra money, but God also knows that I need that extra money, what with all of my friends getting married this year. $25 a week may save my ass in the long run.

*Make one MAJOR jump in my acting career. This includes getting an agent or doing a student film for PAY or participating in any production that will get me closer to obtaining my Actor’s Equity or SAG card.

*Work on having more patience, more self-esteem, more confidence, and better stress management.

*Take an acting class.

*Get my Passport.

*Learn how to sew.

*Go to the dentist. (Yes I’ve BEEN to the dentist before…just not since 2002. I’m SCARED of it ok?!?!)

*Be kinder and more understanding with Paul.

*Go to church at least twice a month. No exceptions.

*Create a recipe binder.

*Organize my loose papers. (We ALL have loose papers, right?)

*Develop my 25 rolls of film.

*Hook up with a bodybuilder of substantial size.

*Eat a vagina. Hork never.

I think this list is fair and I have a whole year to complete it. To me, the most important item on this list, besides learning to sew of course, is to go to church. Over the last two years, my relationship with God has become strained and almost non-existent. I do pray on a daily basis, but it’s just not enough. I know that if I work on this relationship, everything else will fall right into place.

It’s time to focus on what is really important.

Well, it is officially 2004!

The last couple of weeks have been so hectic. I am relieved to finally settle down into some sort of a routine. I am such a creature of habit that the last month has torn me apart, both physically and emotionally. But now it is time to start afresh. It is time to move forward and to implement some new direction into my otherwise directionless lifestyle.

Here’s a brief recap of 2003’s bitter end:

New Year’s Extravaganza

Kelly, Angie, my parents and I spent New Year’s Eve together. We went out to an overly priced, not very good tasting dinner. Afterwards, we played charades and a game that I had created all on my own. And yes, there was a prize for the winner. At 11:30pm, the five of us walked 25 steps to the center of Times Square. For a half an hour we were brutalized by the thousands of people that were crammed into the heart of the city, ready to ring in the New Year. It was a bit scary, but totally exciting. The jumbotron above our heads counted down seconds to the New Year and we all screamed and screamed and screamed. At midnight the five of us hugged and kissed as best as we could, and tears streamed down my face. It was one of the most memorable moments of my life.

Luckily, we only had those 25 steps to walk to get back to my apartment. Upon arrival, we grabbed our bottle of champagne, went to the roof and watched the rest of humanity try to fight their way to freedom. It was completely overwhelming and I’ve never been so proud to live in Times Square in my life. We were all part of something that we will (hopefully) never have to do again. But it was amazing to do it once.

At 1am, Angie, Kelly and I went down to Paul’s apartment and the night continued to be hectic and random. Initially we were locked out of Paul’s apartment and we spent a half an hour drinking beers and smoking in his hallway. It was hilarious and awesome. Around 2am, Mariah came home and we partied until 6am.

I woke up on New Year’s Day with a horrible hangover and the flu of death. I watched 4 hours of Punked with Angie and Mariah and went out to dinner. After that I spent the next four days coughing my lungs out and sleeping in my bed. Not a great way to start the New Year, but there was no other option. I’m just glad that I’m FINALLY feeling better. And much thanks to Angie who supplied me with enough Cranberry Juice and DayQuill to get me up and out of my bed on Sunday.

The Sad Death of Kimberly

On New Year’s Eve, my darling little hamster Kimberly walked over to the little car inside her cage, laid her head down and breathed her last breath. Over the Christmas holiday, she seemed to age at an extraordinary rate. Out of nowhere. I spent the days leading up to New Year’s with her sitting in my lap watching TV. I could tell that she was about to go. She received a proper burial in the garbage can on 46th and 7th. I plan on buying a new baby sometime this week.

The Unbelievable Recovery of Jim

Wouldn’t you know it? Little Jimbo, who has had the life of misery since the beating Kimberly gave him, is now running around like a mad man. He is fully healed and is going out of his damn mind. He has learned to use his gimpy leg and runs so fast on his hamster wheel that I am convinced he’s going to knock it off its track. I think he knows Kimberly is dead and he is surely celebrating. The little guy has a second chance at life and I couldn’t be more pleased. All that TLC and hydrogen peroxide I used made him all better.

My Biggest Challenge

After 6 and a half years of smoking a pack a day, I have decided to give it up once and for all. I have made attempts at quitting in the past, but I have never felt so strong in my resolve as I do now. It has been 48 hours and although I am getting panic attacks and moments of tear inducing anxiety, there is no way that I am going to return to the life I once led. I want out and I want out now. I need the money, I have a desire to be healthy, and I don’t want to be a smoker ever again. Enough is fucking enough. Be strong Joe. Be strong.

My Lil’ Accident

8 hours after quitting smoking, I had a seriously bad moment. I was in the shower, radio blasting, when Paul decided to wash the dishes. I had shampoo in my hair, body all soaped up and was hit with an onslaught of scalding hot water. I backed away from the stream of pain and started screaming at Paul to stop washing the dishes. He couldn’t hear me over the sound of the radio so I reached out of the shower to turn the volume down. Without any warning, my feet gave out from under me and I plunged headfirst onto the bathroom floor. I twisted my ankle and smacked my head against the wall. The pain was excruciating and the tears came immediately. Paul heard me fall and ran to the bathroom door, but it was locked. I reached up and unlocked it and he gasped when he saw my soapy body huddled on the floor in tears. He tried to move me, but the pain was unbearable and I began to throw up in the toilet. It was awful. Eventually he helped me back into the shower so that I could rinse the soap off my body and out of my hair.

Some Bad News

My brother called my family on Friday and told us that he will not be able to come home in January. His leave time was cancelled. We are obviously devastated. When he is released in May, it will be 13 months since we have seen him.

The Theatre Company

Rehearsals start tomorrow for our upcoming AIDS Benefit. I have yet to memorize my monologue and will be spending the next 24 hours doing just that. I am SO glad to have some acting to look forward to. A friend of ours is now doing guest spots on One Life to Live and the fire inside of me burns to be where he is right now. By the end of year…by the end of the year…

My Hair

is wildly out of control. Someone grab the hedge clippers and meet me in the parking lot.

The Real World

Yes I saw Danny’s boyfriend Paul and I have to say…WHA HAPPEN? Paul used to be HOTTTTT. But now Paul is scraggly and skinny. Wha happen?
Also, thank you to MTV for showing The Real World: New Orleans from beginning to end. It was just what this sick boy needed.

The Sims

I got the Sims game for Playstation 2 for Christmas and I have already spent at least 56 hours on it. It’s kind of an irritating game that is mind numbingly addictive. Someone help me help myself.

Adios

That’s it for today.

Hope everyone had a JOYOUS and FUN New Years!

Here’s to a better year. For all of us.

Peace.